Shadowed Soul
by High Crystal Guardian
Summary: *MUST read Shadow Turned Light to understand* A one-shot angst fiction, telling of NR Ryou/Kawari's Mind Lost point of view--through his eyes. Battling for sanity, he tries to hold onto what he once was...


HCG: Aaaaaah, hello, people....

Kawari: o_O;; What the heck is this fic?

HCG: *shrugs* Just something I've had in my head for a while. I felt like writing a borderline-to-insanity fiction....and I desperately needed to write some good ol' angst. You're a good subject.

Kawari: x_X no I'm not! That's my TRUE SELF'S job!

HCG: Nah, Ryou gets hurt too much as it is.

Kawari: X_X I have a feeling I'm not going to like this story much....

HCG: Probably not. Okay, for you readers out there...unless you've read one of my earlier fics, "Shadow Turned Light" or "Negative Chaos" (preferably STL) You're not going to understand a damn thing that goes on in here. For the rest of you--well, this is just a sad little one-shot angsty fic, concerning Kawari when he's still Mind-Lost. You know, Chapter 6 of Shadow Turned Light? You've seen it from NR Bakura/Kaeru's point of view, and Yugi's...now it's time for Kawari's point of view.

Kawari: Oooooooh goody -_-;;

HCG: Okay, the setting is this: Kawari/NR Ryou's still lost in his own mind, and he has been for a good seven or eight months. NR Bakura/Kaeru has tried desperately to break him out of his Mind-Lost state, but it's not working, so the poor guy's still stuck. *sighs* Don't blame him for his ways of acting, people--what he's going through is enough to drive anyone over the brink of insanity, and he's fighting it. May be a bit confusing-ly written, simply for that reason, but whatever.

Kawari: *sighs* Well, what about Negative Chaos, Chapter 6?

HCG: I'm working up a writing mood for it. I've got it part-way planned, but I needed to write this first, since it just popped into my head.

Kawari: Yay ¬_¬;;

HCG: Okies, disclaimer. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Kawari's personality, and the plot (like there IS a plot -_-;;) belong to ME. That's it.

Kawari: *sighs* Goody, let's torture me now _;;

HCG: ^_^ Why not?

Notes: 

Kawari/NR Ryou is going to be referred to as "Ryou" here, just to make it simple.

/word/ ~ Ryou-to-Bakura, via mind link

_italicized words are thoughts and memories_

Written from Ryou's point of view; this is new to me, writing first person, so don't get mad.

Let's go!

Shadowed Soul

            I never understood why it was so cold in here. It's my mind, the very build of my soul, yet every day I feel as though I should freeze to death. If the terror didn't kill me first.

             Ah, the terror. That sinking feeling, the feeling that wraps around me, encloses me, day by day. I've survived on that feeling for....for...how much time has passed in here? It seems as though it's been ages, yet time is impossible for me to measure here. Time doesn't exist here. 

            Sometimes, I wish it did. I wish I had some way to measure the spans that pass me by, some way to just _know..._just know, that's all I ask for. Just to know, so that I can assure myself that I'm still alive, still there, still sane. But there is no way. It's impossible. I'm lost, stranded, alone, and nobody can find me.

            Who is "me?" I'm....I'm....it takes me a second to remember my name. It's been so long, and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever _had _a name, a life, or if it was just a dream. It's sure starting to _seem _more like a dream than anything else. If I concentrate hard, I can pull together little bits and pieces of happy memories, kind ones, ones of laughing and singing and friends. But  they never last long, and when they disappear I begin to wonder if it's my own imagination that created those memories, or if they were real. I'm beginning to think the former.

            I lift my head and stare about my enclosure, my prison--my own mind. Glancing around with my eyes is an effort onto itself, and damn near impossible. I have no strength, anymore--what I _do _have is soon sapped away as I use it to fight for my existence. But I've always had a strong will, and a determined one so my friend said. 

            That thought confuses me for a second. My friend? I had a friend? I concentrate hard, thinking. My friend.....ah, there's a quick image of him floating through my mind. He had odd-colored hair, and golden bangs that shone like the sun on summer days. What was his name? Ah, yes, I remember now. Yogi. That's it, Yugi. I frown, because another name has also floated into place with that first name. Yami. 

            That name strikes a chill through my heart, my mind, my soul. _Yami. _The one that sentenced me here. My prison-guard. I remember faintly that he _had _been kind, nice, friendly--but then my thoughts shriek at me, _no! No! He's your soul's murderer, he's a killer, he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't! He doesn't!_

I sigh and try to force that little voice out of my head. It's been coming more and more lately. It seems to hate anything and everything. I know it comes from the shadowy depths swirling around me, but still I fight it. My own voice strikes sparks in my head, and I feel a little surprised as I hear it--_He said don't give up. Never give up. He promised to help you. He will. He will. _

            He? I frown. I feel that I should know who this "he" is. I concentrate my feeble memories again, but only a brief flash of a golden dream catcher rushes through my mind before I'm left alone. That item...it has significance, I know it. I know it. What _is _it?

            The shadows swirling around me in my little prison try to fight off my memories, but they crash through in a tidal wave. The Millennium Ring. My Item. My magical Item. But it doesn't have an identity other than that, so why in God's name am I thinking of a "he"?

            I shudder uncontrollably. This is getting to be too much. I should know; God I should, I want to be free, I want my life back! I want my memories, I don't want them to be screened from me! I want to be free! _Free!_

            I sigh in vain as my torrent of thoughts fail to shake the firm hold my prison has over me. It won't let me go. It won't. I groan slightly, but I won't give up. Never. He said I shouldn't. I won't.

            I observe my surroundings, my home for the past God knows how many months. I'm sitting in the corner of one of the many hallways in the corridors of my mind. It's a maze. Meant to keep rescuers out. I know the way out though, and I try to leave, but it never lets me.

            There are other things guarding those corridors. Some things more terrifying than monsters or armed men or anything of that sort. Memories. Dark memories. I shudder at the thought of them, and huddle tighter into my corner. So long as I stay here, they won't disturb me. 

            I sigh before attempting to reach my body once again. I stretch my mind to it's limits, trying to reach just _one _place where I can take control, just to live for a few seconds. That's all I want; just a few seconds.

            It comes, like it has millions of times before, but not the way I want. I can feel myself in my physical body, but as soon as I reach control of my mind, the punishment starts. Pain wracks my mind and body, and I instantly begin to sweat, shivering uncontrollably. Everything is hazy, and I can barely see. I realize I'm laying down on a bed somewhere, but that's all I can register.   
            I moan in pain, and instantly there's somebody by my side. Funny, he looks just like me--well, a little harsher looking, more deadly, but those few features can't hide the kindness and concern in his eyes. I think I recognize him. 

            With a start, the memories flood through to me. My Yami. His name, what was his name? That's it, Bakura. I called him Bakura. He's the one that tells me never to give up. I won't, I won't, I promise, but you have no idea how much I'm going through. 

            I fight harder against the growing pain; just a few seconds more, that's all I need, just a few seconds to warn him.

            "It's okay, Ryou," he whispers gently, bending down to my level next to the bed.

            _Focus! _I hiss to myself, screaming within my mind against the pain but trying to stay as level as possible. I try to make my hazy vision work properly, try to focus on my yami, but it refuses to. That's okay; I don't mind, so long as I can talk.

            Feebly, I speak, hissing the words between my groans of agony. "The Shadows..." I mutter, my mind screaming so loud now I can barely hear my own thoughts. "They're real....they're coming closer...help me, please!"

            He starts to respond, but at that point I can't take the pain anymore. I snap out of control and back to my little corner, curling up tighter as the remains of the torture slowly retreat. _I did my best. I'll get out somehow....I will..._

            I shudder uncontrollably, and allow myself to announce my pain with a small groan, but nothing else. I can't let them know they're winning; I can't. I can't.

            Without warning, I can suddenly feel a slight pressure on my mind. I can tell almost instantly that somebody has entered this giant labyrinth, trying to find me. I grin to myself slightly, the smile not reaching my eyes, and the grim feeling within it spreading no happiness. It's my yami, it's Bakura, he's trying to find me again. He won't. He's tried far too much, but he'll never succeed. Look in the shadows, Bakura, but you'll never find me. I laugh, my voice ringing with a hysterical note. I'm too good at hiding. I always won in games like this. Hide and Seek, I always won. You'll never find me. I win.

            I cringe suddenly and bite my lip until blood flows, relishing in the pain, just loving how it tells me I'm still partway alive. I wouldn't normally do such things; that's my yami, he always said pain was a good indicator, especially when either of us had been hurt, when he was comforting me, whatever my troubles had been. This time, though, he was right. I was alive. I'm still alive. I'm still going. I laugh again, pressing myself further into my corner. I feel my yami, so close yet so far, sigh and give up. He begins to retreat.

            I panic suddenly. _No! Don't leave me here, please don't, please! _I cry out desperately, but of course he can't hear me....my voice seems to die out within seconds in the shadows.

            I growl angrily to myself and abruptly make my decision. I'm going to break out, I'm going to get back to my yami. I will. I will.

            I pull myself to my feet, hissing as the energy drains away from me, and I wobble, unsteady. I force myself to stand correctly, and stride forward, down the first corridor.

            At first, it all seems normal. I walk confidently. _I'll make it out this time. _

            Then, suddenly, the shadows seem to crush in, getting thicker, deeper. My stride falters, lessens. And suddenly I'm encountering the guards that terrify me so, the memories that laugh in my face as they watch me fail in both courage and strength.

            The memory is one of my own, of course, and I relive the time God-only-knows how long ago, when I watched my best friend die. Yugi. Being carried out on a stretcher, cold as death, his Yami his murderer. I moan softly to myself as I watch the memory over, knowing what I would see, knowing that I could have done something--if only I had stayed with him after school, or had sensed the Shadow Magic earlier, or had gone faster. I could have saved him. I could have.

            The memory ends, and I find myself suddenly on my knees. Still whimpering in anguish, I move forward, not bothering to get up on my feet--I don't have the strength to.

            Another memory comes, one that shared my horror and terror with Kaiba's. He told me in the memory of how his brother had been tortured to death in front of him, himself only feet away from his brother, yet unable to do a thing. I had imagined his plight to help him, but it was horrible--horrible. I let out another cry of terror, but watch the memory--there is nothing else that I can do, nothing else that can be done.

            Again, the memory ends. I'm now on hands and knees, head bowed slightly, as if I'm begging for it all to end. Pain shoots through my entire body, and I scream slightly. It doesn't want me to go on. I can't be allowed to escape. But I will. I _will. _

            Whimpering, I look over my shoulder. I'm not even ten feet from my original corner, and there's still more to come. Still screaming my pain, I crawl forward on hands and knees, barely able to complete even _that _action.

            Another memory. My last, before my torture began. My yami......he's fighting the Pharaoh, trying to make him end his hideous ways. It's not working. I find myself, or the version of myself in the memory, asking if I can try to draw out the true Yami so as to help him. Fool that I was. I hear Bakura answer that I may, and my memory-self takes control of the body. And Yami, a sickening, triumphant grin on his face, releases his attack--an attack ten times more powerful than his Mind Crush technique.

            This memory hurts. I scream out in pain, a high pitched shriek that nobody hears. Desperately, I call out to my yami in my mind link. /God, help me, help me please! Bakura! Bakura! _Please!/ _

            He doesn't answer. He can't. Of course not. But still, I feel as though I've been abandoned, as if I've asked for protection and he's turned aside, ignoring me. I know it's not true; he'd rather be tortured to death before ever letting someone hurt me, but still.....still, I feel alone, cold, helpless.

            I whimper as the memory ends....and suddenly register that there is no more torture. Startled, I lift my head, looking around. Am I free? Have I broken the barrier?

            But no. No. I stare bitterly around at my prison, noticing with distain that I've retreated again, crawled back to my corner so as to no longer be hurt. Coward that I am.

            I glare around at my prison angrily. I allow myself another groan of agony, but I will not let myself cry. Never. That would be admitting defeat, and I won't let it. I can't allow my sorrow and terror to get in the way, but crying would be as good as breaking that promise to myself.

            Coward. I'm a coward. I've retreated again. I laugh bitterly. My mind argues with me. _No, that's not true. It's not true. You've survived this long; of course it's not true. He says you're the bravest hikari he knows; he says that you've got strength to survive this. He's trying to help you, but you're helping yourself just as much. You're no coward. You're not a coward. You're not. You never will be. Never. _

Never? I give another dark grin, again one that has not a shred of joy in it. Ah, but that voice is wrong. That's not true. Sooner or later I'm going to crack, and I've got a feeling that sooner sounds more accurate. Then we'll see who's not a coward.

            _What are you right now, then? _The little voice challenges, and I frown slightly. What _am _I now? Not a coward, that's true, though I hate to admit it. Not brave either. What am I? 

            The answer comes to me quickly. I'm a Shadowed soul. Trapped, helpless, soon to give up completely, knowing it's my only choice.

            _He says don't give up. Don't! Don't! _

            I'll try not to. I promise. But it's harder. It's getting harder and harder. I can't take it. This is going to kill me.

            I sigh and settle back into my corner. A memory takes me; not one of my prison guards, but one that I've brought about for myself. I'm younger, probably only six or seven. My yami...he's full grown, still big, still _looking _dangerous and mean, but I know that's not true. He's playing with me, watching over me, like a Guardian Spirit is supposed to. My dad knew, of course. My dad always knew; the first time _I _ever met Bakura, my dad met him a few days later, as my yami assured him outright that I was perfectly safe, no matter where my dad went. I wonder momentarily; what's happened to my father anyway? He's left and never come back. Went on an archeologist's trip, but never returned. Dead? Probably. Lucky for him. I wish I was dead right now. I wouldn't have to deal with so much pain.

            _Don't think like that. Let the memory take care of you, refresh you._

Fine then. I don't see why I should care so much, but that's okay. 

            _My yami comes towards me, grinning in what looks like a frightening way, but I know it's not. He's happy; so am I. I can't believe I've got such a kind Guardian, one that always looks out for me._

_            "Can we play again?" I ask, grinning. Hide and Seek. One of my favorite games, especially out here in the forest. There's lots of hiding places out here, and perfect for a small kid like me. Bakura tells me I'll be as big as him someday, and I can't wait until I grow and get as strong as him. He's gonna teach me _magic _too, when I get older--I can't believe it, but he's promised, and he never breaks his promises._

_            "Sure," he says, smiling. "Run and hide, and I'll find you."_

_            "Okay!" I say, laughing. "But you can't use the Ring this time!" He did that the first time, using that funny Ring he lives in to point out where I was hiding. Boy, did that surprise me, but I caught on quickly._

_            He ruffles my hair, which is long and white, and, like some people say, unusual. I don't think it's unusual, because my yami has it too, but I guess it doesn't matter._

_            "Right," he answers, laughing. I run off quickly, hiding in one of my favorite spots, a pile of large, boulder-like rocks that form a little, dark hole, just my size. I curl up in it and wait, grinning._

_            Look all you want, Bakura, you're _never _going to find me here. _

            The memory fades, and I sigh. Something happy like that doesn't come along all that often, so why do I feel so dark, sad, terrified?

            My yami enters the maze again, searching for me. I curl up tighter, hissing my mental pleas. _Please, please, I'm here, don't let me loose this battle--please!_

            But I know it's helpless. He won't hear me, and I can't signal to him in any way. I sigh, stifling a terrified scream that I know is trying to battle it's way out of my mouth. I clamp down on my voice tightly and try to form the lump in my throat. _Don't cry, don't cry, it's hopeless, it won't help you. Don't cry. Don't. _

            Instead, a long, low moan forces it's way out into the air. I fight the sound harder and curl up tighter, eyes squeezed shut. Then, without warning, a slow, bitter grin spreads across my face. It must have looked dark, even a bit insane, but I didn't care. The smile's effect spread to my eyes, and they began to glitter slowly. I wait, grinning.

            Look all you want, Bakura, you're _never _going to find me.

                        *                      *                      *                      *                      *

HCG: Well, that was fun.

Kawari: X_X No it wasn't.

HCG: Aww, poor you. Now I pity you more.

Kawari: x_X Stop it! NYAH!

HCG: *sniffles* Well, anyway. A little short, but it's not like I care. It gets the mood across. Now I'm happy. 

Kawari: That was ANGST! How in the WORLD do you feel HAPPY?!

HCG: Well, firstly, I think it turned out okay. Secondly, everybody already knows that you turn out alright anyway, so I feel satisfied over-all.

Kawari: x_X bleh. I hated it. 

HCG: Too damn bad for you. Okay people, review. I hoped you enjoyed it. A few reviews would come in MIGHTY handy for getting me to work on _Negative Chaos, _Chapter 6, as well. Oh, and answer this question: do I write angst okay, or not? 

Kawari: *sighs* 

HCG: Anyway. Review. So there.


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